And I'm back

I have been absent from my blog for a long time. Wow!! Since February of 2013. My father died that month and my life seemed to stand still for a long time. That whole  year is a big blur. It's hard to believe that he has been gone almost 3 years. It seems like I got that call just yesterday. I still have my moments when I am really missing my Dad and sometimes I shed those tears, but that is okay, I am human after all.

I have gone through many changes during the last 3 years. I was out of work due to my neck injury for a year and a half. I was not able to return as a Licensed Nursing Assistant because of my physical restrictions, but I was able to return to the same facility and work as the front end receptionist. It's great to be able to be working with the same co-workers and be in a position that allows me to still serve our Veterans.

I have struggled with my emotions during the last three years. When you already have a diagnoses of major depression and something like losing a parent happens, you feel completely broken. It took me a long time to crawl out of my hole. Once I did that, I decided it was time to focus on myself and let the negative go.

During my time of negativity, I gained over 50 pounds. Remember, I am an emotional eater. Major depression + having a life changing event happen + needing comfort = eating everything in the house. Plus, those steroids that my doctor had put me on that was suppose to turn into short term, turned into taking them for 6 weeks x 3. The little weight he said I would gain, turned into a whole lot of "little" weight. I was frustrated during this time because it didn't seem like the doctors were doing anything to "fix" my neck, in the end I came to the conclusion there really was nothing they could do and I would just live with it. That is what I am doing now, I have accepted the fact that I will be in pain often. Some days are worse than others, but for the most part, I just ignore it and go on.

After my Dad died, my weight loss surgery team had me stop doing visits for awhile because they knew I needed time to grieve. I don't think they realized how long I would actually need though. I contacting them over a year later. I started working with them after I had made up my mind to not take any more medication for my neck. I worked with them and had three more nutrition appointments needed before I could have my surgery when I started back at work. Again, I decided to put my surgery on the back burner because I knew I would not be able to take the days off from work. I found something inside me to just start losing weight on my own.

What did I find? To be continued...

Support

I have decided I can not do this journey on my own. I need all the support I can get. I have always been a person who goes her own way, but if I am not held accountable for what goes into my mouth right now, I know I will over do it. That is one of the reasons why I am making my WLS journey so public. I want others to share my ups and downs and to know that if I can do this, anybody can do this.

I have been sitting idle for the last few weeks because of my back/neck strain. It seems like a vicious circle. I wake up hurting, deal with the pain until evening comes and then take my pain medication. I have been doing this every day. Plus, not being able to go to work is really depressing me. I need to stay active and right now I just feel like a lump on my couch. The good news is that I only have a couple more days before I see the spine specialist. Hopefully, he gets me back up and moving. He is going to be a huge support for me right now.

I am talking with a few of my friends about forming a "support" group in our area. It would be great to be able to plan on going to a meeting once or twice a month. It's a whole lot easier knowing that there are other people out there feeling the same way I am. Of course we are all in different stages of our journey, but that is what makes it so great! Sharing our strengths and weakness, to help each other become stronger. Support is a wonderful thing!

Memories

Have you ever done this?

Your at a red light and you look at a red car. You start thinking about the color of the car and you remember a friend of yours had a red jacket that you liked. You remember that she wore that red jacket on the double date that one night. You then start remembering how bad that double date turned out and all the bad memories that you have been carrying around with you for years. It amazes me how those bad memories can sneak themselves right up to the front of your brain. 

That was just an example of how our mind works with memories. I am a person that buries my bad memories. I have layers and layers of them, starting when I was still in a baby crib. Those memories seem to creep up on me when I least expect it. I will be having a good day and something as simple as the color of a car can make those bad memories come front and center. What do I do? I head for the nearest carb-loaded food to deal with my bad feelings.

I need to break that cycle before I have my WLS. I know it is going to be one of the hardest habits I have ever broken. I am yet to find out the solution to this problem, but I will. How to you deal when something like this happens?

Side note: I am injured again. I hurt my back and neck transferring a Veteran at work. I have been out of work for about two and half weeks now. My doctor has put me out for another two weeks and it could possible be even longer. I have to go see a neck specialist. Physical therapy didn't work. For now, I am on pain killers, a muscle relaxer and a steroid. I'm not happy about the steroid, but my doctor said I should be okay because it's short term. I shouldn't gain to much weight. Really! To much weight? I don't want to gain ANY weight.

During the time that I have been out, I have been able to go to some of my WLS appointments. I have had my first nutrition appointment. She was able to help me look at some of the changes I need to make with my diet and informed me that I have to lose twenty-six pounds before I have my surgery. I joined an online group of local individuals who either are in the beginning stages like me, about to have the surgery or have had the surgery. I am learning a lot from them. I had my psychiatrist appointment to see if I was mentally able to handle something as big as WLS. She said I would be okay. Yay! I also have been scheduled for my three life skills classes that I have to take before the surgery as well. I am excited that I am getting my steps completed. I am one step closer.....

I am thinking I am going to have to push my surgery off a bit now because of the time I have missed from work. I will make that decision in July, once I have finished all my steps. I just need to take one day at a time.

Sorry the writing is so small in the box below.

It's worth the squinting though. ;)

Frustration!

I allowed frustration to overcome me yesterday. Frustration is going to have to be one of the things on my checklist (pre-surgery) to overcome. We all feel frustrated at times, but I am sure not all of us immediately head to McDonald’s when it happens.

Yesterday, I had an appointment scheduled with my nutritionist. (My insurance company requires me to have six nutrition appointments in six months as one of my prerequisites before my surgery.)  It was my second appointment scheduled. My first one, I had to cancel because of a snow storm. I decide to head down a half an hour early because I wasn’t quite sure where I was going. I have to drive over an hour to go to any appointment concerning my WLS. I was able to arrive with twenty-five minutes to spare. I tried to find the medical building myself, but when I realized I only had fifteen minutes left, I called my surgeon’s office for help. I talked to three different people. The last person was able to give me directions. I followed his directions and I still couldn’t find the building. I decided to call my significant other since he is from the area. By this time I was becoming teary eyed. He calmed me down and pointed me in the right direction, but I still couldn’t find it. I ended up on some back streets and just kept turning right, and low and behold, I fell right into the parking lot, ten minutes late. Now, I have this building in front of me and have no idea what office I need to be in. I decided I would just walk into any door. They had to know where the nutritionist was, right?

“Hi, my name is Barb Fitzgerald and I am here for an appointment with the nutritionist.” I say.

The receptionist replies, “I think you are in the wrong building. They moved down the road.” She turns to the lady sitting behind her. “Didn’t the nutritionist move down the road?”

The lady thinks for a minute and says, “I think so!”

The receptionist tells me to go behind the building where the office was located and look for a sign. The sign will tell me where they moved. Out the door I go, trying to stay calm. I walk around the building, in minus one degree temperature. I come to the last door on the back side and I see people. Oh glorious people! They are cooking breakfast. There are all sorts of food. There were donuts, Danishes, pancakes, sausage, bacon, fruit, juices, coffee and much more. 

A lady comes to the door and says, “May I help you?”

“I am looking for the nutritionist.” I say.

“What kind of nutritionist are you looking for?” She asks.

“Umm..someone who is going to talk to me about my diet, I guess. Her name is lor…” I reply.

She interrupted and grabbed my hand and led me by the whole table of food, “Lori, we have a Lori. Come right this way. Would you like anything to eat?” 

At that point, I could have inhaled the whole entire table and asked for more. I was so frustrated. Time was ticking away. I was now twenty minutes late. I kind of laughed and said, “No thank you.”

We got to the front of the office and the lady asked the receptionist if she could look at Lori’s schedule and see if I am on it. Well, of course I am not even in the system. They must have thought I was crazy. I call back my surgeon’s office and tell them what has happened. I finally talk to someone who points me in the right direction. I needed to go up the stairs to the second floor and go down a long hallway to suite 204. It was Laura’s office, not Lori’s. I looked at my watch and realized I was now thirty minutes late. I grabbed the handle to the office and turned, locked. The door was locked! No way! I got on the phone and called scheduling. I told the lady on the phone that I was in front of the nutritionist’s office, but she was not there. 

The scheduler replied, “Your appointment was at 9am and you are just getting there NOW?”

I wanted to go right thru the phone and grab the lady by the throat and say, “Listen here!!” 

Instead, I stated nice and calmly, “I have been here for a while, but I got lost and then I couldn’t find the office in the building and….”

She interrupted me, “Well, you have two choices. You can either stay there and wait it out, as her next appointment isn’t until 3:30pm or you can reschedule and go home.”

Again, I calmly replied, “I drove over an hour to get here. I will sit and wait it out.”

I waited another half an hour and decided I had had enough. I felt like such a failure once again. I was thinking how my surgeon was going to think I am not serious about the whole WLS program. I felt defeated! Of course, I allowed my emotions to get the best of me and drove right to McDonald’s. I ordered a breakfast sandwich meal, with a medium orange juice and a piece of lemon-blueberry bread. I ate it all in ten minutes flat, without even thinking. 

Once I got home, I called scheduling and rescheduled my appointment. Then, I called my surgeon’s office and explained how I didn’t get to meet with my nutritionist. The lady I spoke with sounded so nice. She set me at ease and told me I needed to email my patient advocate. Explain to him what had happened, so that it won’t happen again. Why didn’t I call her BEFORE I went to McDonald’s?

Frustration, I let the emotion get the best of me AND I used it as an excuse to eat in an unhealthy way. 

Some of you may be asking why I wrote this as my blog entry. This is something I need to overcome. I need to stop and think before I head for the food. I let my emotions rule me when it comes to eating. I hardly even remember eating McDonald’s because I inhaled it so fast. Sure, those ten minutes were happy minutes because I was numb at that moment. After I ate, I was not only feeling bad because I missed my appointment, but also felt horrible because I gave in and binged on food. I NEED to stop doing this. It’s just so hard!

I NEED to give it ALL I have!

It's Official

After much soul searching, I took my $500 entrance fee down to my gastric bypass surgeon. That fee begins my surgery journey. I was given a book that explains the journey in great detail. There are many steps I have to accomplish before my insurance company will approve me for the surgery. The book helps to outline all of the steps. I will be able to stay on task that way.

One of my first steps is to meet with a Nutritionist. She is going to evaluate my eating habits (oh boy!) and try and get me moving in the right direction. I meet with her in a couple days. I will have to meet with her, at least once a month for the next six months. I can still use her services after the surgery if I am still needing help with my meal planning.

I also have to have a psych. evaluation in a few days. She is going to decide whether I am ready to have the surgery or not. Some individuals go into the surgery thinking it is going to be a cure for all the problems that are in their lives. For example, some believe if they have this surgery, they will be able to save their marriage. You have to go in knowing the surgery is just a tool to help you become healthier. I do believe I am going to need therapy through out my journey. I have many years of dysfunction. Change is not going to just happen over night for me.

I am on my way to a healthy life. It is going to be a slow process. I will try my hardest to keep blogging my journey. I want to be able to share it all with you.

Peace.

I'm back

It's been a while since I have posted to my blog. I have been pretty ill, on and off, during the last few months. I am still doing my WLS walk though. I have an appointment this coming Thursday with my WLS patient advocate. His name is Matt. He is my go to guy when I have questions about the whole WLS process. I also have to have all my lab work done that day. It is looking like we are shooting for a July 2013 date for my surgery. Pretty pumped!

I am going to make an effort to come and post more, just so you can understand the process I have to go through before my actual surgery.

I am 5 days with no soda. It is not an easy task for me. I have given up soda many times, but I usually fall back on soda water. The carbonation is what I crave. I am not allowed to have it after I have my surgery because it blows up the little pouch and causes pain. I figured I would give it up now instead of waiting for last minute. I am ready to kill someone, but I will get through it. Addictions are so hard to break.

I'll post again soon.

Happy New Year To You All!!!

Sickness

Just a quick post to let you all know I have not disappeared. I have been ill for a couple weeks now. Just when I think I am feeling better, I am sick all over again. I will be continuing on soon with my blog, but for right now I am just focusing on get through each day. I will write more again soon.

Also, my computer broke. The one with all my pictures and bookmarks. Yep! Gone! I now have this new one, but it is taking sometime to figure everything out. I also have to figure out how to get my pictures off of my other computer.

Bare with me.....